can you hear my heart beat? (lieveling) wrote,
can you hear my heart beat?

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late night ramble.

i can't believe how fast my life has passed me by. it seems just a couple of years ago, i was an awkward freshman wearing a catholic school uniform for the first time, dodging taller students in the same ugly fashion as me. they were all childhood friends, talking and laughing about the vast improvements in their uniforms. "these are so much better than the ones at p and j," "i can't believe we get to chose the color of our kneesocks between three colors! quel freedom!" i remember my first mass at my high school, standing with one of the only girls i knew from grade school, looking around strangely. what the hell (oh, wait! i can't say that here can i!? ohmigod!) is everyone doing with those gestures? should i get communion .. and why do i want to eat the body and blood of jesus? what have i gotten myself into? am i supposed to be singing along with these stupid songs? was all i could manage for that hour.

i eventually became more comfortable with the rituals that i didn't take part in. i knew what gesture meant what .. when to kneel, when to pretend to pray. but, i would secretly be offering my own intentions up. don't get me wrong, catholicism is a very beautiful religion .. but four years of catholic school didn't inspire me to convert. especially when you have a religion teacher who is divorced, telling you you're going to hell because you're a protestant. well, that just blew my mind.. so, i took everything with a grain of salt.

at the same time, i thought the religion was gorgeous. all the praise songs grew on me a little and the rituals of the church really are beautiful. but, i didn't have any belief in the words being said in the homilies. i'd rather create my own homily to share with everyone. i didn't like how the old testament seemed a bit ignored. and i didn't like the opinions in my religion textbooks.

this isn't rambling, i swear. my words actually have meaning behind them. sometimes you just have to pay attention to what's going on around you. everything happens for a reason.. maybe i needed four years of catholic school to teach me something. while i should respect others' religions, i should try to keep in contact with my own. you can't respect other religions to the point that you forget about the one that connects so closely with your own beliefs and ideals. i found this out quite fast. i loved the catholic traditions when i first got to shanahan, but then i realized that there were things about it that i liked and didn't like. i rediscovered why i had taken so quickly to the quaker religion i had clicked with at my quaker camp i attended. it just fit me and who i am.
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